The day I woke up losing my grandpa forever...

 ** This post was drafted on Sept 15,  2020 **

Hey guys, 

How's everyone hanging in there? I'm so happy for my friends and families that are currently living their lives to the fullest in Malaysia and Taiwan. I'm genuinely happy for you all, please keep posting all the fun pictures on social media, the foods, the long-overdue vacation, the reunion, the celebration of all kind... Seeing all the joyful faces gives me hope, that one day when this fight is over, I'll be able to do all the fun things again too! 

It had been a very rough two weeks for me. But I'm gradually putting myself together and able to function again... 

This pandemic wasn't being kind to me at all. I thought losing my good friend in March was the hardest pill to swallow until I woke up one day finding my grandpa's gone forever. I can't comprehend which one was the hardest one, I just felt that my heart was so sore that it couldn't contain a single ounce of pain anymore. 

It was painful. Knowing that I won't be able to hang out with them anymore when I'm allowed to travel back home again... 

It felt so surreal. I woke up the next day wondering if all these were just a nightmare as if there's a reset button for 2020.  Of course not, 2020 is probably the hell year on earth. Ok, probably not, who knows, we might not reach rock bottom yet. 

I slept in for a week, reluctant to get out of my bed. It hurt so bad and I almost can't breathe, but life goes on, life must go on. So does grieving. During the whole week that I was sleeping in, I watched endless comedies and shows but found myself sobbing in tears. 

Then one day, it was last Wednesday to be precise, all San Franciscans woke up with an apocalyptic orange sky. The sun has given up, too. The sky was still dark with a sepia filter at 2pm. During the lunch break on zoom-schooling, Chloe gently asked, "Mommy, is it lunchtime yet? I can't really tell because the sky is still dark." Then my 3.5y/o baby Summer was feeling confused, anxious, and uncomfortable that Mr. Sun was hiding the whole day, she was fussy and cried for 3 hours. 

I didn't blame them. Deep down inside, I was crying uncontrollably too. 

"If this is the last day of my life, I don't want to end up dying here! Not San Francisco, I want to be closed to my family." I mean, I want my family to be closed to my family in Malaysia. That was the last straw for me, I was literally done with everything here in the glorious United States, you are too good for me. I'm D.O.N.E. 

My heart sunk. All I wanted to do was to pack my bag, hop on a plane and so long farewell... 

Guess what, on that same orange Wednesday, we scheduled to temporarily move out from our home and stayed at a tiny Airbnb due to a leaking ceiling in the living room. We are back home now, the constructors did a good job, everything went well according to plan. But that particular Wednesday made me look at my life differently. 

Although I wanted to escape this life in San Francisco so badly, I understand that it wasn't the circumstances or current situations that push me to make such a decision... It's because I have so much emotional baggage yet having zero outlets to relieve grief, loss, and sadness. I lost the strength to move forward and I hate that part of myself :( 

It's so (*&^%$&*(&^%$#%^&* hard... 

I want to take time to heal and be happy again. I just need some room to breathe, to relax, and to feel what I need to feel... Knowing the fact that all these emotions will eventually go away is such a huge reassurance. If you are going through a difficult and challenging phase in life, I hope this post will be an encouraging one. Don't be too harsh on yourself, pamper yourself with some of your fave pick-me-ups, pace yourself because life is a marathon, not a sprint. 

As for myself, I want to give myself a pat on my shoulder. Take your own sweet time to piece your life back together.  

#1 



#2 

See you guys again, hopefully very soon! For now, I shall take some time off to miss the wonderful people that had positively impacted my life and colored it with beautiful memories. I know that I will come back stronger, for sure. 

XOXO, 
Bev
(Written on Sept 15, 2020, revised 2 months after, lol. Stay tuned for Part 2)